(no subject)

[hatman]

I've been thinking lately about how I'm not happy with the person I've become. I miss the person I was, the one who met the world with a smile, a beanie copter, and a thoughtful observation. Not sure how to get back to that place. Been thinking of posting about that, to ask for your thoughts on the matter.

In the meantime, htbthomas posted this meme today, which fits right in with that train of thought. My head is still fogged up from sleep issues (more than usual, on both counts - thanks to side effects from the latest attempt, the last four months or so of my life are a drugged blur), but I'll do my best. Because I think we could all use it:

Post a comment, and I will reply with one or two reasons why I think you're great. In return, you have to post this same meme on your blog and comment for other people.

Comments

[rachie203.livejournal.com]

So this might sound totally stupid, but if you're not happy where you are what do you have to lose by trying something different? I'm a big believer in committed action and goal driven behavior (I'm also a therapist, so you will likely hear these words often from my general direction), and while it's not easy sometimes it can be as simple as making a choice. Make the choice to live the life you want, to be the person you want - even if you have to fake it for awhile. If I'm feeling blah I make myself smile (there's something about the physical act that inspires an emotional response) and I think about things that make me happy to bring my mood up. I acknowledge that I have a choice, I can let something piss me off and ruin my day or I can deal with it, put it in a box with other crappy/annoying/aggravating things and move on to something I enjoy. On a day to day basis that makes a huge difference. I have a woman I work with who is all DOOOOOOOOOOOM and she used to really bring me down, now I just hear her words without feeling them, stick her in the box labeled "nice but a downer" and go on about my business. I can't express how much of a difference this makes for me. In the car on my way to/from work I crank my radio and listen to music that makes me happy.

The second and perhaps a bit more challenging step is to review where your life is and decide if you are on track. You can do all the happy cheerful crap you want, but if you're not happy with your life sometimes you have to make difficult decisions to get back to where you want to be. If you're not unhappy with your life, then simply changing your attitude/thought process may make a huge difference in the day to day. I don't like myself when I'm Ms. Cranky-Pants, so I do what I can to focus on the positives in my life. I give myself a few minutes to bitch each day and then I brush it off and focus on the good instead. Good luck!

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

You can't control the world or people around you, but your reactions are your own. Don't waste time on what you can't change, don't waste energy holding on to negativity, appreciate each good thing for what it is, and never pass up a decent opportunity to laugh. Focus your efforts on making the world a better place, and you'll be a happier and better person for it. All true. It's what I've lived by for my entire adult life.

Let me get you caught up on why:

The problem is that my body isn't cooperating. Well, okay, I'm used to that. Like I said, that's why I had to teach myself all that stuff from the previous paragraph back when I was still in my early teens. Managed to persevere and get myself admitted to MIT. Had some of the best years of my life there.

Until it started affecting my brain. I've lost the ability to think through material I used to teach, and any attempt to concentrate for any kind of prolonged period wears me out frighteningly fast. I've also got a pile of sleeping disorders. And the original pain and weakness which has me walking slowly with a cane on a good day and flat out on the couch on a bad day.

My life's been on hold for a decade now while, with the help of my very supportive parents, we investigated options. It's come to the point, though, where medical science has done all it can for me. And the nice people at the Department of Vocational Rehab Services, which exists to find work for people with all sorts of physical and/or mental disabilities, tell me that I'm beyond help.

Which leaves me feeling rather stuck and useless. Also very tired. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting progressively harder. And I just don't physically have the capacity anymore for the sort of creativity I used to enjoy.

So... yeah. Change would be good. I'm just out of ideas for where to turn.

Sorry to lay all that on you. I hope it wasn't too much. And would be interested if you have further thoughts and perspective to share. I'd have to say that the fact that you took the time to say all that definitely points to one or two reasons you're pretty great. :)

[rachie203.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going to throw some ideas out and you can take 'em or leave 'em. Obviously there's a lot about your life I don't know, and you're the expert in what will work for you.

Have you looked into any sort of alternative / holistic treatment? I know a number of people who have had some remarkable outcomes after supplimenting their traditional medical treatment with a holistic doctor. I'm not sure what you've tried in the past, but you said medical science has done all it can for you so I'm wondering if their may be some alternatives that may help in some capacity and may be worth exploring.

I understand how difficult it can be to experience limitations in being able to do what you once could and would like to still be able to do. The rather dissatisfying answer is promoting acceptance and finding alternatives. I get that this is much easier said than done, and kind of comes across as rather simplistic (eh, sorry...). I also know that you know and practice much of what I have to suggest. Unfortunately I don't have some fantastic idea or amazing insight, but I can encourage you to focus on what you can do and creative outlets/activities that you enjoy. It may not be what you're accustomed to or what you used to enjoy - but you're far from stuck and useless unless you tell yourself you are. It's okay to be discouraged, it's normal and to be expected - but it's not an invitation to dwell there. So focus on the good, and make a commitment to identifying/doing at least one thing that makes you happy on a daily basis and then work your way up from there.

I'll stop there for fear of coming across pushy or preachy, and because it's taken me ages to get this types with all the interruptions at my office so it's now time for me to run to my other office. I will add one last thought though: when I was in school one of the principles drilled into my head was never to presume to know the upper limits of a person's capabilities - and I would argue that we can each apply this to ourselves as well. Hell, Jean-Dominique Bauby dictated a book one letter at a time by blinking his eye, so who knows what we're each capable of (despite the barriers) with the right incentive and motivation.

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the respect and understanding.

Yes, I've tried alternative therapies. At least, to the extent I'm comfortable with. I always try to remember that aspirin, the first "miracle drug," was "discovered" because it's the active ingredient in willow bark tea. But I believe in science, and I'm not going to go chasing after every bit of mumbo jumbo.

I've been seeing experts in a variety of fields for over a decade now. A fantastic idea or amazing insight would be most welcome, but it's not really fair to expect it. I'm sorry if I seem to be asking too much. But there's always the possibility that, even now, a new perspective will open something up.

I'm just not sure what I am capable of at this point. I make plans, but, no matter which way I turn, one thing or another always seems to get in the way.

Well, except for the few hours here and there I get to spend being an uncle. That's the best. I love those kids, and the time we spend together does us all good. And, related, I've made each of them a personalized stuffed animal. A labor of love, not really practical or cost effective, but it's something I made, and I'm proud of that. (I have some pictures, if you're interested.)

And, maybe I'll get back to some other projects, like reading for Librivox, or getting friends to help me make that silly animated movie I scripted a couple of years back, or dropping by the next local Habitat build site, if and when they manage to get that going (and I'm awake and able to drive and physically up to pitching in...).

But sometime, somehow, I'm going to need a viable path forward. Something real and productive. Something that actually makes a difference in the world. And can earn me some actual money. And I have no idea what that would be or how I could get there.

Anyway... thanks again for listening, and for taking the time out of your busy day.