hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Jan. 21st, 2015 08:17 pm)
Been off the Hetlioz for a week now.

It has been a week of living Hell.

I've hardly been able to move. I feel more dead than alive. I'm too lightheaded and woozy to think. Or do much of anything. I saw my GP yesterday. He was really impressed with how absolutely fucked up I was. Nearly passed out in the chair as he was ordering my prescriptions. Almost couldn't get off the exam table by myself. Nearly collapsed while the secretary got the bill ready. (I stumbled over to a chair and let Dad take care of it.)

I can't tell if I'm getting any better because my memory is shot, too. The whole week is less than a blur.

I keep thinking of things like Batman getting his ass kicked by Bane. Batman is dead on his feet, having utterly exhausted himself. And Bane just beats the [preferred euphemism here] out of him. "I wonder which will break first - your body or your spirit?" That's how I feel.

I'm too tired to live.

Just surviving hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, in the faint hope that this will get better and I can go back to merely feeling sick and tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Dec. 3rd, 2014 12:10 pm)
Woke up early to see the sleep doctor. Told her I've been keeping to a steady bedtime, but feeling way more tired than usual. Barely functional, really. We talked it over, and I agreed to give it a little longer and then have a sleep study. But we're going to be out of town for a couple of weeks and we need time to schedule the study and then they need time to read the study, so my follow up appointment isn't until the end of January. That means I'll be on this stuff for another two months, at least. Unless I throw in the towel. We'll see.

I am really freaking tired.
hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Nov. 30th, 2014 09:18 pm)
I haven't written a weekly summary for myself. I was just too tired to do it on Wednesday, which says something in and of itself. I haven't been woozy since the end of Week 1, but I haven't been sleeping well since then, either. I was hoping it would settle down, but I'm basically on a roller coaster. I don't sleep well one night, so I sleep a lot the next night and then I can't sleep the night after that so I make it up (or at least try to) on the following night. Except that the experiment parameters don't let me sleep in very much, either, so that's kind of been an issue. The good news is that I have been basically keeping to a steady bedtime for almost a month. The bad news is that during that month I've been too tired to do much. Even by my standards. I have an appointment with the sleep doctor on Wednesday morning. I'll go over it with her and see what we can come up with.

Other than that, I was talking to my sister about the dog (while she was here for the holiday). He's getting old and doesn't move around much. She asked me if he's in constant pain. It's hard to tell with him because he's never complained about pain. But the fact that he won't stand up unless he has to says a lot to me. So I said "Yes." But she asked me how I knew, and I realized that I don't, really. I'm just guessing. Just a little while ago I realized that I'm probably a little biased on that question, and it hit me why: There has not been a moment in the last 20 years when I wasn't in at least some pain. Not always bad. I've learned to put it out of my mind as background noise most of the time. But it's always there. That's been the reality of my life. Which I've just sort of accepted and not thought much about, for the most part. But that made me take a step back.

There has not been a moment in the last 20 years when I have not been in at least some pain.

I just needed a minute to step back and process that statement, you know?
hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Nov. 19th, 2014 03:12 pm)
So Week 1 of Hetlioz was all about sleeping even more than usual while still feeling exhausted and woozy for most of the day.

The good news is that that stopped in Week 2. All of it. Literally overnight.

The bad news is that I haven't been able to sleep properly this week. Having more trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and getting quality rest. I haven't been woozy, but symptoms from lack of sleep are building up. I'm honestly not sure how I'm functioning as well as I am right now, and making up for the cumulative sleep debt is not going to be easy.

Who knows what Week 3 will bring.

It is kind of promising that Week 2's crippling side effects were so completely different from Week 1's. My body is adjusting, apparently. It's having an effect on my sleep and my sleeping patterns. If I can ride it out, it just might come to a net positive.

Then again, I'm gradually having more trouble falling asleep and finding myself falling asleep gradually later. I've gone from barely being able to stay awake until the 11pm set lights out time to being wide awake in bed at 11:30. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until nearly midnight. This despite having slept poorly for most of the last week, and really feeling the need to make up for that.

Of course, I'm used to my sleep/wake cycle changing from week to week and I never thought holding it steady was going to be easy. It's possible that if I can ride it out, things will stabilize. But right now I'm feeling sleep deprivation setting in. It's hard to keep a thought in my head long enough to finish a sentence, and my whole brain is moving in slow motion. I've lost track, but I think I would have been nocturnal this week, which could well be why I'm having trouble sleeping at night. Maybe.

Doctor's appointment in two weeks. I'm halfway there. Just going to keep holding on as best I can. We can evaluate then.
hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Nov. 12th, 2014 07:41 pm)
A week on the Hetlioz now. Quick summary:

Good news: I'm actually falling asleep at 11pm every night. If anything, it's hard to stay up that late. That's pretty much unprecedented for me.

Bad news: I'm woozy for most of the day. Spending hours on the couch because my head is spinning so much it's hard to sit up. It's a little better now than when I first started, but it's far from good. And, in a way, so is being tired enough to fall asleep early even after sleeping 10.6 hours. I'm sleeping more like 10 hours a night than my usual 9, too. It's nice being on a steady schedule and all, but not if the price is being too tired and woozy to function.
hatman: HatMan, my alter ego and face on the 'net (Default)
( Nov. 6th, 2014 02:46 pm)
Started the Hetlioz last night. Going to try to keep to a steady bedtime of 11pm for the next several weeks.

Slept 9.5 hours, AHI 1.1.

Really not feeling well this morning. Tired, woozy. Didn't get out of bed until it was past lunchtime, and then only because blood sugar became more urgent than how my head was feeling. (Still feels like my skull is trying to vibrate out of my head while spinning like a tornado.)

I'm hoping it's just an adjustment, or maybe even just a random bad day. We'll see. But it's not promising.

(Future sleep logs, if they're just sleep logs, will be kept private so as not to clutter your feeds.)