hatman | Recent Entries

This is going to get long. Some of you know some of it already. I'm going to break it into chunks with cut tags. If you're on my main journal page, they should let you expand and collapse the various sections. If you prefer to just skim through the whole thing, you can click on the words "Life Update" just above and the cut tags will magically turn into a single wall of text.

If you're coming from off site, you can leave a comment without creating an account. You can use OpenID or just comment anonymously. Either way, I'd prefer if you signed a name that I'd recognize. You can also contact me on Twitter or Discord.

Content warning: Medical woes, end of life

Sections:
[1] Background: Overview of medical history for the first 30 years or so of my life. I like to provide context. But feel free to skip ahead.
[2] Past: The last 5 years or so.
[3] Present: The last year up to where things are now.
[4] Future: Two possibilities going forward.

[1] ( Background )

[2] ( Past )

[3] ( Present )

[4] ( Future )

Tags:

I've been watching a fair amount of anime this year. I've always had mixed feelings about anime. As a rule, I don't like stylized art. I'm also not really well versed in Japanese culture, so the tropes and things that make many of the jokes and philosophical points work don't make as much sense to me. On the other hand, I've always admired the depth of plot and character development some shows can have which you don't often see in Western animation.

Anyway, with my brain fried from lack of sleep and fibro fog, I've found that anime seems to hit the sweet spot between being interesting enough to enjoy but overly taxing on my ability to focus.

One thing about it that often jumps out at me is how seriously the UN and in particular its military power is taken. In the US, the Left tends to largely ignore the UN (appreciating that it's there without paying too much attention to what it actually does) while the Right tends to deride it as a massive waste. It's a symbol of globalization (which the Left favors and the Right despises) but not really part of our lives. But in anime, it's not uncommon to see UN forces defending the people from whatever the show's enemy is, or for the world governments to come together under the auspices of the UN in order to fight some global threat.

There's a reason for that. After WWII, the Allies decided that Japan should no longer be allowed to have its own military. Instead, their borders were protected by UN peacekeeping forces. The generations since have grown up seeing the UN as a real global power with serious military might.

This had widespread effects on Japan's development. I'm not nearly qualified to go into the subject in depth. But one simple but important thing to note is that not having their own military freed up a big chunk of their budget to instead invest in infrastructure. Like being early adopters and innovators in high speed rail. And building up technological research and manufacturing, making companies like Sony, Nikon, Toshiba, and Toyota global leaders in their fields.

It shows the power of what humanity could do if, instead of wasting trillions of dollars building weapons to deter other countries from using their weapons, we put that money into something productive. If we took the resources we put into potential destruction and instead invested them into making a better world. Or if we all just understood that investment in infrastructure (and the health and welfare of the populace) is the foundation of our collective prosperity.

Sure, we still need law enforcement and protection from terrorists and other rogue actors. But imagine a world in which, say, the EU acknowledged that none of its member states wants to be at war with any other member state and they all just collectively ceded military responsibility to the UN. It would still have to be paid for, but you'd be paying for much less once you eliminate the overlap and the weapons and bases that only exist to deter each other. And then that could set the example for other countries to do the same, seeing that they're just as well protected at a lower cost. At the same time, non-member states would see this vast alliance as less assailable, which would be a more effective deterrent. (And it would give an opportunity for people from different countries to serve together and travel more broadly, which might have some benefits of its own.)

I realize it's far-fetched. But, at the same time, it's something we could choose to do if enough people decided it was a good idea.

In the US, it would eliminate a particularly large amount of waste. Currently, weapons manufacturers have gotten very good at lobbying Congress to force the military to buy tanks and planes the Pentagon doesn't even want. Campaign donations. Spreading factories across multiple key states and districts. (It's stupidly inefficient to build the gears in Kentucky and the wheels in Illinois and assemble them in a separate facility in Virginia only to be shipped over to Texas, but those strategically placed jobs get the votes to place government orders for massive amounts of the things.) We could put that money into things that would actually do us some good. If only we could get people to decide that that's what we wanted.

I was nocturnal and out of stamps. The Post Office was, of course, closed.

Then I remembered Stamps.com lets you print postage online. So much easier! And they gave me $5 in free credit just for signing up. Neat!

Then I looked more closely at my account. It's a $17/month subscription? No way is that worth it. Cancel.

Oops, that function doesn't work in Chrome for some reason.

Fine. I'll use Edge.

Website: Wait! Don't go! We'll give it you the service for only $10/month!

Me: No. I still won't use it enough to make it worthwhile.

Website: Error. You'll have to call to cancel.

Me: Really? *sigh* Fine.

Automated phone system: Don't cancel your account! We'll give it to you for only $5!

Me: Nope. Still not worth it.

Phone: Are you sure? We'll give you the next month free!

Me: Nope. I'd just forget and then you'd charge me for a service I'm not using.

Phone: ... Fine. You win.

Boy, they really give this thing the hard sell. I'm not sure whether to be more annoyed by the number of hoops I had to jump through or amused at the number of times they cut the price just to try to keep me. If you can offer the service for $5, why not just tell people that at the outset? The basic plan isn't even a visible option from the account management screen. You can't go below pro level without attempting to quit the service entirely.

But, hey. I did get the stamp I needed, and a few extras out of it.

Hi. Been a while. Might as well dust this thing off.

Since last we met, I moved out on my own into an apartment in NYC, conveniently in the same building as my sister. It's been hard getting used to city noises, but nice to have my own space and the place has a great view. I've been managing better than expected, honestly. Helps that NYC has so many options to get things delivered to your door so I don't have to worry about running errands when I'm not up to it.

But I'm now in line to get a puppy at the end of the year. My nieces and nephews really want me to have one. (Especially my younger nephew who has been having some health issues.) I miss having a dog. But I haven't had a puppy since I was a year old. It'll be interesting learning to deal with that energy and training needs. Wish I could adopt a shelter dog, but my niece is highly allergic, to the point that a brief exposure to the wrong breed sent her to the ER. We can't take any chances. But we know that she's okay with a goldendoodle because her neighbor has one from the same breeder I'm using. So she'll still be able to come visit, if only for a few hours at a time.

In other news... I'm done with Facebook. I got pulled in there because it was the only place to keep in contact with some of my oldest online friends. But between the privacy issues, the way thezy handled (or, rather, didn't handle) Russian interference in the 2016 elections, the way they're refusing to fix anything for the 2020 elections, and the launch of their news tab, I just can't stay there any longer. A news tab with stories they curate themselves? And, worse, Brietbart is one of their "trusted sources" that the tab will be pulling from? Absolutely not.

Here's the thing. Richard Spencer is a neo-Nazi. He calls his group "the Alt-Right." Some of the "very fine people" at Charlottesville were his. He thinks America should be a White homeland and that anyone who isn't a straight White Christian English-speaking American male is basically subhuman.

When Andrew Brietbart turned control of his fringe Right conspiracy blog over to Steve Bannon, Bannon proudly said that his goal was to turn Brietbart into "the platform for the Alt-Right." He's called Spencer a brilliant leader and openly admires his ideology. And, indeed, Brietbart is a White Supremacist outlet thinly veiled as a fringe Right news site. Their stories are virulently sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-Semitic, Islamophobic... you name it, they've said as vile a thing as you care to imagine. They're the ones who started the conspiracy theory that Obama had to have been born in Kenya because America couldn't have possibly elected a Black president. (They also took it further, saying that Obama was secretly gay and had married a man in college, among other things.)

Every vile lunatic racist thing Trump has said in the last decade has come from Brietbart. That Obama was born in Kenya, that Mexicans are rapists, that John McCain wasn't a war hero, that we need to ban all Muslims... all that and more came from Brietbart. And then he hired Bannon to run his campaign (after Russian operative Paul Manifort had to quit). And when he took office, he created a new job on par with White House Chief of Staff (top level cabinet position) just for Bannon to fill.

There's a very simple, clear, short, straight line from Richard Spencer to Steve Bannon to Donald Trump. Which is why Brietbart has gained popularity in recent years. But that in no way excuses Facebook deciding that their blend of Nazi propaganda and fringe conspiracies counts as a "trusted news source." If they're going to be elevating that as real news, I am done with the platform even if it costs me friends I've had for decades.

So here I am, dusting off my old, long-neglected blog. Or at least trying. We'll see how it goes. But it's a shame to leave DreamWidth's #1 seed account entirely unused, right?

So, how have y'all been? What's new with you? Assuming anyone still reads my page...

( Old post for one specific person )

For the last year and change, most of my social life (such as it is) has been in the Twitch music community. I've "met" some awesome people there. And it's done me a lot of good to just have the beautiful live music to carry me through when I'm too sick to do literally anything else. So I'm tempted to try to go to TwitchCon this year. (It's in late October in San Jose.)

On the one hand, it's a great opportunity to meet some people who have become very special to me. And to hear them play live. It would mean a lot.

On the other hand, there are a lot of questions and drawbacks.

First off, health. (See the last couple of entries if you're not familiar.) Going to ECCC took a lot out of me. I was a flat out wreck for a week and a half when I got back.

Also, I don't stream. And I tend to lurk a lot in chat. And I've been missing a lot of streams lately. So I'm not sure how much a part of the community I really am at this point, let alone what I might be six months from now. Would I be going just to end up lurking off to the side? Would I be invited to the parties and sessions outside of the con? Would I be intruding? Would people busy trying to pack in all their own con plans even have time for me?

I don't know what I'd get out of the con itself. I'm not a gamer anymore. I certainly don't watch gaming streams. At all. I'd just be going for the music crowd. Who don't exactly get a lot of space and time at the con.

And then there's the hypersensitivity issue. All my nerves are hypersensitive. Which means bright lights, loud noises, high pitched noises, high bass/subwoofers, certain scents, and a myriad other things are all actively painful. And it's easy to become overwhelmed by too many voices speaking at once. At home, I have volume control and the ability to instantly get away if I need. And scents? Alcohol, tobacco, and perfume are high on the list. Even a trace of anything like that can feel like a spike up the nose. An open glass of wine at the far end of the table is enough. You can put on a dab of perfume in the morning, shower in the afternoon, walk across the room in the evening, and it'll still be painful to cross your footsteps several minutes later. (I'm not kidding. This has happened.)

I'm also not sure what this year is going to bring. I'll be moving out on my own for the first time within the next couple of months, and with chronic health issues, it's hard to say how that will go or what I'll be doing.

Oh, and it won't likely be cheap. I refuse to use Uber or AirBNB, for a variety of reasons.

Also, there's another (much smaller and cozier) convention that month that I might want to attend out on the west coast. And an as yet unscheduled event I'll need to attend in LA. Oh, and my mother's birthday is that month, too.

But this is a rare chance to meet people I care about. That's often worth it. If they have time for me, anyway. And I'm not struggling to breathe. And I'm awake enough to do things like sit up and speak out loud. Writing it all out, it seems crazy to even consider it. But it's still tempting. I could do it. But it would cost a lot, and I don't have a handle on what I'd get out of it. Could be awesome. Could be me just sitting in a corner with nothing to do, trying to shut out the pain. Could be anything in between.

I'm not sure what to do. (Did I mention my executive function is impaired, making it really hard to take in multiple factors in order to make a clear decision.) Any thoughts? You can comment here even if you don't have an account. (Though please let me know who's writing.) Or you can ping or message me on Discord or Twitch.

Please brainstorm with me.

What's been going on:

Here's the story so far. It's a few pages long, which I realize is considered a wall of text when you're reading on a screen. (In any other context that would be fairly short. Weird how our perceptions work.) Skim it or whatever you need. But context matters. If you're going to help, you should know where I'm coming from, what I've been through, what I've tried, etc.

The short version is that I've got chronic illness, I'm over the hill, and I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself to make a meaningful life.

The following lists will probably be updated as more things come to mind, but here's the overview:

What I'm trying to do:

Find a way to be productive.
Find a way to make a positive difference in the world. Better, happier, fairer.
See if I can start a business that can at least help support me so I'm not reliant on my family's generosity for the rest of my life.

What I've Got Going For Me:

I can listen to people, sympathize with them, and try to be supportive. I have patience and a willingness to try to see different points of view.
I have enough money available to maybe start a small business.
I can often write clearly to express ideas even when I'm too exhausted to think.
I've got an above average knowledge and comprehension of science, politics, and various random subjects. I've got a pretty good memory for concepts I've learned, and I can usually explain them in ways that make sense to people.
I've got a loving family and good friends who try their best to be understanding and supportive.
My immune system kicks butt, and not just my own.
I can sew stuffed animals and pillows. (Though I spend more on materials than I could possibly sell them for.)
Puns just come naturally to me. My brain likes to make odd connections between random things.
I don't have a wheelbarrow here, but I could probably get one. It's worth listing among our assets. (I do not, however, have a flammable cloak.)

My Limitations:

I'm physically exhausted. Getting less than 9 hours of sleep in a night can mess me up for days. It's not uncommon for me to be so weary I can't sit up, can hardly draw breath, am really woozy, etc. On a good day, I can walk a mile or so. But I'll pay for it the next day. On a bad day, I can spend the entire day crashed on the couch, barely functional. I cannot, in general, predict when I'll have good or bad days. A string of bad days can last for months or longer.
Attempting to exert myself, mentally or physically, exhausts me frighteningly fast. That can include keeping up with realtime conversations, particularly via audio instead of text.
My nerves are hypersensitive. I'm constantly in pain. Bright lights, loud noises, high pitched noises, physical contact, etc. etc. are painful. More some days than others. But a friendly slap on the back can ache for several minutes. On rough days, I'm sensitive enough that people making small sounds halfway across the house, though a closed door, while I'm wearing high-end noise dampening ear protectors designed for the gun range, can still be overwhelming.
I've got a non-24 "free running" sleep schedule, meaning that I'm awake different hours from week to week. I generally average a 25 hour day, but it can be hard to predict more than a couple of weeks in advance (at best) what hours I'll be awake. Makes regular commitments very difficult.
Due to the exhaustion, it can be hard to focus mentally, and I can't maintain focus for long.
I'm somewhat dyslexic. (It runs in the family, but I can never remember on which side...) Possibly related is a difficulty translating information from one form to another. It makes coding and diagrams very difficult.
I've also got various other autoimmune disorders. Diabetes, hypothyroidism, alopecia totalis (i.e. no hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes).

What I'm Looking For:

Practical advice for what I can do.
Brainstorming for what kind of business I can start that would employ others in a way that makes a positive impact on the world and generates income for me.

What I'm Not Looking For:

"Buck up. Others have it worse." Irrelevant. Yes, you can always find someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your own struggles aren't real. I'm dealing with my life. My limits. My needs. I'm dealing mentally as best I can. But I need actual practical solutions. Being told to just cheer up and/or get over it is unhelpful.
"Have you tried this cure/treatment?" I've been at this for decades. I've worked with more doctors than I can count. We've done research. I've tried medications and treatment regimens. I've explored some "alternative" treatments. I know how to meditate. I'm doing the best I can for myself. Medical marijuana isn't for me and it's not a magical cure-all. If you've got some suggestion that's got actual clinical evidence, I'll consider it. But odds are I've already tried it or been advised by a medical professional that it doesn't apply to my individual case.
"Seek professional help." I've tried. Psychiatrists, psychologists, antidepressants, a hypnotherapist. It hasn't been helpful. And it's not what I'm looking for now. I need to address the root issue.
Unhelpful or negative comments. I'll ignore them. Spam and trolling will be deleted.

Anyone can comment. I'll respond as I can, if I have something to say. You do not have to have an account or log in to comment, but if you comment anonymously I would appreciate it if you would tell me who you are. If you're not comfortable doing that, I understand.

You can also sign in using OpenID. You should be able to use your WordPress, Blogspot, AOL, Yahoo, LiveJournal, or other participating account to sign in here. You just need your provider's OpenID URL and to be logged in at that provider. For more information, you can try OpenID Explained or the Wikipedia article. (Yeah, I know. You probably haven't used any of those services in years. But the option is there if you want.)

Alternatively, you can message me on Discord (WearsHats) or Twitter (@hataroni) or email me (hatman at dreamwidth dot org). I'd prefer to keep everything here in one place, especially since it allows people to review what others have said and bounce ideas around. But if public comments don't work for you, I'll take them where I can.

You may share this post if you think doing so would bring in helpful responses.

( Condensed autobiography to provide context for the next post )

The last 5 months, in a large nutshell:

You know that feeling when you're totally exhausted after a really long day (or maybe first thing in the morning after a rough night, before you've had a chance to get coffee), and you just can't handle anything? It's hard to think, hard to move. Just totally wiped. All you want from people is to be left alone because the tiniest request for attention is overwhelming.

Now imagine that several times worse.

Now imagine that, on top of that, you've got a condition where all your nerves are hypersensitive. To the point that a friendly pat on the back can leave a stinging ache that lingers for several minutes. So that moving through the world is a constant question of "is doing this worth the pain it will cause?" And your brain is so exhausted from all the constant noise that it's hard to think, and everyday noises and interactions can easily become overwhelming.

Now remember that when you get really tired in the way I described at the beginning, your nerves become hypersensitive and it's really hard to concentrate or hold a train of thought, and little things can easily become overwhelming. Now imagine that problem amplifying the chronic hypersensitivity you're already dealing with as a baseline.

Put that all together.

Exhausted. Overwhelmed. So woozy you can hardly sit up for hours at a time. Beyond hypersensitive. So tired you can hardly find the strength to breathe. There are times when you can feel the strain of your rib muscles just to keep going. Trying to muster the concentration to put words together, remember what you're trying to say, endure the pain and fatigue of pushing your ribs to take a deep breath, and coordinating the muscles of your voice box all at the same time is like running a juggler's marathon. You can't read a book because it's too hard to sustain focus to follow the plot. You can't watch half of what's on TV because it takes more concentration than you have to spare. You sit in the living room with the door closed, and the sound of someone gently clattering dishes halfway across the kitchen is like thunder. Just the weight of having someone physically in the same room becomes oppressive.

Then some doctor says, "Oh, it's a flare-up. If you could only get moving, you'd be fine." Except that it feels nothing like a flare-up, and you've never had one that lasted a week, let alone four months. But there's nothing else on the table, so you roll with it. He gives you a steroid. Now you've got chest pains. Your blood sugar is soaring. (That causes extra wooziness. Also, your brain is trying race because you've got a sugar rush, except it can't because it's too exhausted to handle anything.) And now you can't sleep because the blood sugar spikes and chest pains keep waking you up.

You can't think. You can't move. You can't breathe. Literally everything is overwhelming, and most of it is painful. You struggle to find something that will just let you zone out until you can try to sleep again.

You lie there, trapped, as your mind falls apart from sleep deprivation. You want to scream from the depths of your soul from the existential horror of watching your very self shrink and hollow and crumble, but you're too worn out to breathe. So you bury yourself in whatever you can tolerate, and try not to think. Which mostly works, except when you get too woozy to even watch cartoons.

But you're so experienced at putting this stuff into words and slowly typing out coherent sentences even when your head is spinning and you can hardly see straight that people have trouble believing you.

Things Donald Trump said in this weekend's Republican Primary debate:

The Iraq war was a huge mistake, and you shouldn't vote for someone who couldn't admit that until last year.
There were no WMD in Iraq.
The Bush administration knew that, and they lied us into a disastrous war that cost us trillions of dollars and netted us nothing.
The Iraq war destabilized the Middle East, bringing about the current situation.
We shouldn't cut funding to Planned Parenthood because, while he's against abortion, they do a lot of good work for women's health.
You can't just say that "Bush kept us safe" when 9/11 happened on his watch, and he ignored warnings from his own administration's CIA.

Man, that kind of reality-based rhetoric is going to kill his poll numbers. He's got to get out there ASAP and say something insane, hateful, or shockingly offensive (preferably all three) if he's going to have any chance of undoing the damage and winning over the GOP base.

Conversation with a friend sort of led to the creation of a new icon. Feel free to share/use/whatever.

Description: Robotic dog K-9 from Doctor Who. Caption reads DOG MATIC.

A decade or so back, Marvel did a miniseries about Daredevil's early career. Daredevil's original costume was yellow, so the book was titled "Daredevil: Yellow." (And that really influenced the coloring of the comic. One of the little things I loved about the Netflix series is that they took a cue from that book and had a lot of yellow backgrounds, with the gradual introduction of bits of red towards the end.)

That became something of a tradition for Marvel. In the years since, they've done flashback miniseries about other characters, each named for a color prominent in that character's costume. Spider-Man: Blue, and so on.

More recently, Marvel made a big move by depowering Steve Rogers and having his longtime partner, Sam Wilson (The Falcon) take over as Captain America. You may recall the media buzz over a year ago about the new Captain America being a Black man.

Right now, Marvel is in the midst of what may be their largest event yet, resetting the entire multiverse to introduce a new, more up to date status quo. Spider-Man will be Miles Morales, the biracial teen who took over as Spider-Man in the Ultimate universe, there will be more emphasis on female characters, including an all-female team of Avengers, a spotlight on the new Ms. Marvel, a Muslim girl, and so on. On the other hand, while Logan himself will be dead, there will be two characters who go by Wolverine. Because you can never have enough Wolverine, apparently.

It's not clear yet what will happen with many other characters. The event is just starting, and Marvel themselves may not have decided. But they did announce a new flashback miniseries about Captain America's early days in WWII.

See if you can spot the problematic part of that.

I really wonder what they were thinking.

(Description:

Text: Captain America
Image: Steve Rogers as Captain America shouts as he powerfully holds up his shield.
Text: WHITE)

I don't know how much this will help, but I'm going to try to clarify some things.

1. Drug testing welfare recipients is a bad idea. Florida implemented this law. Very, very few of recipients tested positive. The state ended up paying out orders of magnitude more in testing fees than they "saved" by withholding the pittance from the few who did test positive. And the tests are prone to false positives. Eat a poppy seed bagel a week before the test, and it will show positive because it can't tell the difference between lingering opiates from that and traces of heroin. It's just a further indignity and bureaucratic hurdle heaped upon people who are already having to swallow their pride and ask for help. The law has been a disaster for everyone involved except the woman who owns the company that does the tests... Who just happens to be the governor's wife.

2. The Confederate flag is racist. I cannot believe this is in dispute. The leaders of the Confederacy made it explicitly clear that they were fighting for the right to subjugate Blacks and keep them as slaves. The Confederacy were also traitors, starting the bloodiest war in American history against the legitimate Federal government with the goal of breaking the country apart. The flag itself did not go up on state capitols until the 1960s, as a direct protest against desegregation, and as a visible symbol of the entrenched power of Whites over Blacks. Oh yes, and in much of Europe, where swastikas are banned, the Confederate flag is used by neo-Nazis as a proxy. Just in case you had any doubts about how racist it is. And that attitude and the symbol of the flag itself directly inspired the Charleston shooting.

3. The rainbow flag, on the other hand, is a symbol of pride from an oppressed minority. People who are asking for equal treatment, protection, and respect. They're not out to hurt anyone or take anything away from anyone. Rights aren't a zero sum game. Giving them to others doesn't deprive you of anything.

4. Marriage is a legal contract. It's entirely in the government's hands. A church can preform a wedding, and that's within the laws of the religion. But a marriage is a matter for the state. And, in this country, we have separation of church and state. No one gets to impose their religion, especially not when it means taking rights away from others.

5. That your religion describes homosexuality as a sin is irrelevant. In my religion, pepperoni pizza is a sin. It is an abomination before the Lord to eat the meat of a pig. And even worse when you cook that meat with dairy. Guess what? I don't get to outlaw it. I can't tell you that you're not allowed to eat it because my religion forbids it. I don't get to impose that on you. My religion applies to me and those of my faith. No one else. And it has no place in secular law.

A friend on FB was looking at all the happy rainbows and lamenting that the culture and laws of her own country are still so incredibly homophobic. This is what I told her. (The "posts just like this one" at the end refers to her OP about thinking her country should be more accepting, and wishing it were so.)

Here's the thing.

In the early 80s, rampant homophobia was so much the norm that I would not let my father kiss me on the cheek because I'd internalized how terrible it was for a man to kiss another male.

In the mid-80s, mainstream broadcast news was pretty sure that if a woman turned up HIV positive, it must have been because her husband had been hanging around gay bars. Anchors noted in passing that there were respected clergy who were convinced that AIDS was a punishment from God for all the dirty icky sinful things gay people did. And everyone knew that a stable gay relationship was one where you stayed with the same man for the whole night.

In the 90s, a major question in the news and in Congress was what to do about the discovery that gay men wanted to serve in the armed forces. On the one hand, there were those who didn't want to exclude anyone willing to fight, but there were many who felt it would be inappropriate and hurt morale and destroy unit cohesion. Eventually, over many objections, we got the compromise of Don't Ask Don't Tell. Which seemed pretty fair at the time. Just stay in the closet and no one needs to worry. Problem solved!

In 2008, on the same night Obama was elected, thanks to a massive ad campaign financed by the Mormon church, marriage equality (still a fairly new idea that only the most Liberal states were even trying) was repealed by popular vote in California.

And now, here we are. DADT is gone, and we have nationwide marriage equality.

But DADT was a hard fight. And it's only in the last couple of years that marriage equality gained a tenuous majority of popular support. It was passed by various state legislatures, but never won on an open ballot. It had to be imposed by the courts. And still there are many deeply opposed.

We've got a long way to go. But look at how far we've come. In one generation.

And I think a fair amount of that came from the Internet, which gave people a place to find support, make connections, build a movement... And expose the populace to a new narrative, new realities. To openly gay friends.

Change is possible. And it starts with posts just like this one.

I've finally bought out a restaurant and leased the space!

My manager did his first interview with a local news blog last week. (I see someone named Frank is skeptical of us. We'll do our best to be neighborly and earn his trust.)

So excited that we can actually start building and creating!

We had our first party this weekend. I met some of our new neighbors and one of our future bartenders and showed my family around the place. It was a lot of fun. Especially seeing my nieces and nephews' enthusiasm.

We've registered our domain name and are beginning to set up some social media accounts. We've got plans to redecorate the place. We're looking for a chef. After two years of waiting and false starts, we're finally moving, and moving fast!

The pollen this year is killing me. At least, I think and hope it's the pollen. Even staying entirely indoors with all the windows shut and the air filters on and everything, it's hard to sit up, let alone keep a train of thought going. Which is not good because we're trying to get all the paperwork in order to set up a lease deal. Not a good time for me to be out of commission. It also means I'll be missing a rare chance to meet

cesy and possibly some others.

Summary of most of the last 18 months:

They adjusted my meds for one reason or another. It went badly. We undid the change, I got better. Just in time to try something new. Which went badly. Rinse and repeat.

Latest change is an increase in my Lyrica (the one thing that's been any help with my sleep or the fibro pain). I didn't feel anything for the first day or two, but then spent most of Saturday too lightheaded to do much of anything. Yesterday, I still wasn't feeling right, but better than before. Sleeping more than usual, but that could be a sign that the Lyrica is helping me sleep more deeply. I hope that's it.

At least I was well enough to make it to my cousin's wedding. Which is good in that everyone was glad to see me and the bride was very grateful I could make it and I got to spend a little time with my nieces and nephews.

Only problem is that the band had their amps turned up to 11. My phone's (somewhat unreliable) sound meter app tells me they clocked in at 85 decibels, which is on the edge of what can cause permanent hearing damage. (I suspect the band has long since gone half deaf from doing this every weekend.) Fortunately, I carry a bag of earplugs with me wherever I go (hypersensitive ears, thanks to the fibro). Which is still not as well-prepared as my uncle was. He brought two pairs of high-end noise-dampening ear cup protectors. Wish I'd thought to bring mine.

Managed to have a good time, though.

Still waking up today. Kind of fuzzy-headed. But better than this time yesterday. I think my body is adjusting to the increased dosage. Then we'll get to see if there's any benefit to it. That would be a nice change.

For the record, I'm still here and still reading. Life since January last year has mostly consisted of me not sleeping and/or dealing with side effects. (With the notable exception of a thrilling but exhausting August.) Stuff has been happening around me, but I've pretty much been too bleary to do much about it.

Good things are on the horizon, but I don't want to jinx anything before it's actually in black and white. I'll try to update more when I'm feeling better and actually have something solid to say.

My niece needed to do a presentation for school dressed as 16th century Portuguese explorer Vasco Da Gama, pictured below:

( Vasco Da Gama )

Sis emailed me to ask if I had an appropriate hat, but the closest thing I could find was my pumpkin beret, which is roughly the right shape, but entirely the wrong colors and also adult sized. But I had some black fabric from a previous project lying around. I went to the craft store, picked up a few things, looked up hat sizes online, and got to sewing. I used the pumpkin as a model, but sized everything to roughly 90% of the adult measurements.

( Finished hat )

It came out a little smaller than I'd intended, but it fit. Niece was thrilled. Said it looked "perfect" and "awesome." Also she said she loved the pompom on top, and it looked "so pompomy." This is the girl who, at 9 years old, already makes her own (very stylish and professional-looking) pocketbooks and dresses using her sewing machine, and will happily strut like a model to show them off.

I spent two days making that. (Would have gone a lot faster if I hadn't done it by hand, but I didn't want to use Mom's antique sewing machine without her.) It was worth it, no question. Niece absolutely loves it. (My other niece was impressed and told me I was making her Halloween costume. I said sure and asked what she wanted. She said she usually decides the day before...) I finished it as a rush job, putting the last few seams together on the train into the city. I was still working on the last touch when she arrived at my sister's apartment. It was a crazy thing to do, but it was fun. One might almost say I'm mad as a hatter...

Been off the Hetlioz for a week now.

It has been a week of living Hell.

I've hardly been able to move. I feel more dead than alive. I'm too lightheaded and woozy to think. Or do much of anything. I saw my GP yesterday. He was really impressed with how absolutely fucked up I was. Nearly passed out in the chair as he was ordering my prescriptions. Almost couldn't get off the exam table by myself. Nearly collapsed while the secretary got the bill ready. (I stumbled over to a chair and let Dad take care of it.)

I can't tell if I'm getting any better because my memory is shot, too. The whole week is less than a blur.

I keep thinking of things like Batman getting his ass kicked by Bane. Batman is dead on his feet, having utterly exhausted himself. And Bane just beats the [preferred euphemism here] out of him. "I wonder which will break first - your body or your spirit?" That's how I feel.

I'm too tired to live.

Just surviving hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, in the faint hope that this will get better and I can go back to merely feeling sick and tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

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