(no subject)

[hatman]

I need more friends. Any suggestions?

A decade ago, things were going pretty well for me. I had my share of medical issues, but I was dealing with them. I was at MIT, on track to becoming a biomechanical engineer. I was kicking around plans to build an artificial pancreas and had vague plans to one day look into building a better dialysis machine. I was going to be productive and help people and make a real difference in the world. I had friends on campus and friends online (thanks to said medical issues, most of the friendships in my adult life have been primarily online). Life wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn good.

Then medical problems got worse and my life has been on hold ever since. Medical science has helped as much as it can for now, but it's not enough. My sleep/wake schedule is constantly shifting, cycling around the clock every few weeks. I can't concentrate on anything for any reasonable length of time. Some days, I can walk a few blocks at a time, some days (due to wooziness, fatigue, weakness, and/or pain) I can barely get off the couch.

I've lost interest in old hobbies, but haven't really replaced them. I still enjoy reading and watching a variety of things, but I'm not interested in fandom discussions. I've lost touch with or drifted apart from old friends. I've lost the ability to write fiction. My life, my world has gotten very small.

Most of my social contact these days is through Twitter. What thoughts I have seem to fit into 140 characters, for the most part. LJ seems to be becoming a ghost town. DW wasn't a good fit for me. FB makes me queasy. I have no interest in tumblr or G+. Hardly anyone bothers talking to me on IM or Skype. My RPG group is on indefinite hiatus.

I've tried joining MeetUp groups in my area, but the stars have never aligned for me to actually go to any of the meetings I might have been interested in. I've looked into working with my local Habitat For Humanity chapter and the local theater group and such, but those didn't pan out.

I've tried getting to know Twitter pals better. Looked at blogs, managed to have a lovely dinner with a couple who turned out to live not so far away (hope to repeat that sometime in the next few months), tried to stir up interest in a #Maddow get-together, asked directly for a way to build a more solid friendship. It hasn't gotten me too far.

Every few weeks, I manage to spend a few hours with my nieces and nephews. Most worthwhile part of my life. Otherwise... I watch the world scroll by on Twitter, watch old TV shows on Netflix, play games, read (when I have the mental stamina to actually follow the story)... while away the time so I don't notice it passing.

I need friends. I need people to talk to, things to do. I'd like to build on the friendships developing on Twitter, but I don't know how. I'd like to find something more, but I'm out of viable ideas to explore. And I'm awfully tired of ramming into the brick wall of my limitations.

I think that covers the situation. I'll answer just about any question you're willing to ask.

What I'm asking you is: Can you help? Do you have anything you can offer? Friendship, advice, ideas, suggestions? Comments open, even if you don't have an LJ (or OpenID) account. (The email address in my profile works, too.)

If you've gotten this far, thank you.

Comments

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

no helpful suggestions as i'm housebound and can't have visitors or use the phone, so my friendships are dw/lj/fb and a few blogs

but vibes offered if you'd like them.

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

Vibes appreciated. Thank you.

But... I'm not quite housebound, but medical limitations do seriously curtail my movements. I don't get out of the house much, and my friendships are almost entirely online. To that extent, we're in similar boats. Maybe you do have some advice, after all?

[rainbow.livejournal.com]

you're welcome.

for me, finding different groups that share an interest with me is a big thing. i'm on a couple dozen email lists that vary from a mail every couples days to multiple mails/day and involve immune issues, homesteading, permaculture, gardening, knitting, and a lot of other things i'm interested in. some days i read all of them; some days i don't. some i check every week or every few weeks and catch up on.

i note you said facebook makes you queasy, and i hear you. but if it's not a hard limit, you might find it helpful. i've found it a wonderful resource for staying in touch with a diverse group of people; i have relatives (both close and extremely distant), genealogical connections (some related, some not), chosen family (with whom my connection is very deep and they're almost always there for me), close friends (ditto), casual friends, and people with whom i share an interest but we don't know each other well (yet).

the groups are also wonderful -- i've found some amazing friends that way just by exploring groups around some of my interests (homesteading, metaphysical and spritual practices, gardening, genealogy, health/healing, art, etc). i've even found people i'd been out of touch with since my brain injury in 97 -- and now we "talk" every day! <3

i've found dw/lj more helpful for staying in touch with people i already know rather than meeting ppl (although there are exceptions and i've also found lost old friends on it). but in general they don't seem to -> deep connection except in fandom circles, and i've always been a fringe fan. fb is more immediate and the folks who use it tend to be there more, which (ime, ymmv) -> closer connection.

and all that said, one of the things that's important to recognise so i don't end up feeling angry and lonesome: most people who aren't dependent on online activities for socialisation treat it differently than those of us who are. there are exceptions; i have some wonderful dear friends and chosen family who work hard to include me in their lives.

but for most folks whose lives are mostly offline, no matter how much they love me, they don't "get" that online is my only way of connection, even if they know it intellectually. i've been unintentionally left out of things many times, and i've worked hard to realise it's not about me at all, it's just that many folks don't (or maybe can't) get that if one can't use the phone or leave the house, if one doesn't have/can't use something like skype, that email, dw/lj, and fb aren't just time wasters or a backup thing or for fun -- they're my only connection to family and friends. so that's soemthing to keep in mind; if you're used to offline friendships, online may not feel as satisfying. but it's far better than not having the online ones, either, so for me focussing on that is important when i get frustrated.

[(Anonymous)]

Have you assessed what friendship activities/situations would mean the most to you?

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

We're training our dog to be a therapy dog. It's a start. I'm not sure what else there is to assess right now. To be honest, I'm stuck.

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

I'll definitely make a point of talking to you more often on IM. :)

Maybe you could post on holiday_wishes and wish for friends?

I read your therapy dog post too, and I think that will be great for all of you. :) So glad to know you did this!

I don't have any other ideas, but I'll let you know if I think of something. :)

Take care! ♥