Closing up

[hatman]

I haven't posted here in ages. I haven't posted to LJ, either. Mostly because I haven't had much to say, or I've found other outlets for it (generally Twitter).

But, unlike LJ, I've stopped checking my DW reading page. And that's because I've decided to leave Dreamwidth. I'll keep the account. I may come back. I'll probably check in with scans_daily, though I haven't been keeping up with that lately, either. But I thought you should know.

I still believe in Dreamwidth. I've been continuously impressed by the management, by the response to user needs and suggestions, by what Dreamwidth is, and by what it's supposed to be.

But I don't fit here. In part because there are values and beliefs which I think are extremist and wrong. But more because I've failed. I came here looking for a new start. And for a while, I got one. But I failed. Just didn't have it in me to make it work. And when I saw things I didn't like, I had neither the strength nor the emotional stability to handle it - either by fighting it or by letting it go. I came looking for new friends and found that it's awfully hard to get people to like you when you no longer even like yourself. I tried to live up to what that face in my icon represents to me, and found that part of me had broken.

I've failed myself. I've failed to be the person that I wanted to be, the person I was trying to be, the person I thought I was.

And being here, lately, has made things worse for me, not better. I feel like I need to fight, and I've failed. I feel like I need to be a better person, and I've failed. Coming here, it just reminds me of that, and that's not what I need right now. I see some of the things that get discussed and I get angry and resentful, and that's not good for anyone.

There have been good times. There are people I'm glad I've met. And I'm proud to have had some small part in founding this place. I wish Dreamwidth much success. I think it's exactly the sort of thing we need, in a number of ways. But for me, right now, it's not where I belong.

If you want to keep in touch, I can still use all the friends I can get. The email address on my profile will still work. I'm still tweeting (@hataroni - the via SF tweet!). I'm still on LJ, because that's where my oldest friends are. I'm pgwfolc there. If you're on my private whinge filter here and want to keep up with that side of things, there's an LJ for that, too. Sometimes I'm on IM.

I think that's it. Thanks for being here with me. Thanks for reading. Thanks for helping to make Dreamwidth possible. Thanks for giving me a taste of long-lost hope, if only for a little while.

As for you... Take care. I wish you the best - health, happiness, success (whatever that may mean).

Finally, I've said it before, but there just aren't better words for this:

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Comments

[jeshyr]

Luck and love to you. I really hope things improve for you - my journal is mirrored to rickybuchanan if you're interested in reading it, and you can always look me up on IM.