![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
This should probably be access-locked or cut or something, but right now I just don't seem to care.
I feel like there's nowhere I belong right now.
Not L&C. Great while it lasted, but I lost interest and the fandom changed. We grew in different directions.
Not fandom at large. I don't have it in me to create anymore, I don't seem to have any interest in fanworks, and I'm not equipped to deal with the unchecked wankery that pervades the open waters (as opposed to the magically sheltered harbor of L&C).
Not Dreamwidth. I tried, but I don't fit. I've made few friends, found little to drive me. My reading page, which used to force me to skip 20 or 40 every time I checked in, just to catch up, now flows at a trickle. I've dropped some subscriptions, some people have stopped posting altogether, and there are probably others who are just locking me out. And, of course, there are my views on activism. I'm too tired to fight that one out, and I don't think many of the people I'd be fighting with are interested in listening.
Which reminds me - I'm looking to step down from ownership of![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dwrocks. The comm just isn't going anywhere. It needs someone to promote it, to drive it. I'm not up to doing that. Too tired and too conflicted. Besides, I have a feeling it would do better if it weren't associated with me. There's a poll out asking people for reasons why Dreamwidth is awesome. That gets an OMG squee and a full paragraph/subsection of the weekly news post. But an entire comm dedicated to that idea, that's been around since before Open Beta launch, that was actively trying to organize fundraising for the one-year anniversary? The site owners have long since disassociated themselves from it. And I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with my controversial stance that racefail fails. Overzealous, counter-productive, short-sighted, somewhat hypocritical. Its members so used to being attacked and beaten down that their defenses... never mind. But I'd still like the comm to do better than it can under my ownership, so if someone's willing to step up, I'd appreciate it.
Not LJ. It's where many of my closest friends are, but many of them seem to have moved on to other things. My friends page is even slower than my DW reading page. Oh, and LJ management has become evil.
... And just as I was about to type "Not at home" Mom came in to have a discussion on more or less this very topic. I'm lucky to have such supportive (if not always understanding) parents. Wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this far without them. But it's not enough anymore. I'm going stir crazy around here. When I have the energy to go stir crazy, anyway. Mom's trying to encourage me to find something - which obviously I need - but I don't know where to look and I'm tired and burnt out and each new dead end just smacks me in the face again. She's got ideas, and she believes in them, but from where I stand, every time I've tried one of her ideas, it's done more harm than good.
Not in the outside world. Like I said, I'm burnt out and out of ideas. I just don't see where I can go or what I can do. And I find that I have a lot of trouble dealing with realtime social interaction. Too slow, too awkward, too out of practice, too hurt and bitter, too short on patience, too irritable, too short on anything of interest to talk about.
The last decade has eroded me, bit by bit. I'm a hollowed-out husk of my former self. And my life is just as empty. Any moderate effort - mental or physical - wears me out so quickly that I just can't see how I can be of any use (especially given my constantly-changing sleep/wake schedule - and the total unpredictability of quality of sleep or day-to-day capabilities). How I can accomplish anything of substance. And it's getting worse.
And it doesn't help that I feel lost and hopeless and that I've hurt so much for so long that it's just become a constant ache in my soul.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I need to try something, but I don't know what. I've been told to take small steps, which seems eminently reasonable. And yet even attempts at that have failed. And every new failure just makes it all hurt more, makes it all seem more hopeless, more futile.
And so I while away the time. Playing pointless games, watching TV, reading comics. Distracting myself from a life that's become too empty and painful and pointless to contemplate.
Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? What purpose is left for me? Where can I find friends? Interests? Something to do that has some meaning to it? Anything that's more than what I have but does not require of me more than I'm capable of giving?
I feel like there's nowhere I belong right now.
Not L&C. Great while it lasted, but I lost interest and the fandom changed. We grew in different directions.
Not fandom at large. I don't have it in me to create anymore, I don't seem to have any interest in fanworks, and I'm not equipped to deal with the unchecked wankery that pervades the open waters (as opposed to the magically sheltered harbor of L&C).
Not Dreamwidth. I tried, but I don't fit. I've made few friends, found little to drive me. My reading page, which used to force me to skip 20 or 40 every time I checked in, just to catch up, now flows at a trickle. I've dropped some subscriptions, some people have stopped posting altogether, and there are probably others who are just locking me out. And, of course, there are my views on activism. I'm too tired to fight that one out, and I don't think many of the people I'd be fighting with are interested in listening.
Which reminds me - I'm looking to step down from ownership of
dwrocks. The comm just isn't going anywhere. It needs someone to promote it, to drive it. I'm not up to doing that. Too tired and too conflicted. Besides, I have a feeling it would do better if it weren't associated with me. There's a poll out asking people for reasons why Dreamwidth is awesome. That gets an OMG squee and a full paragraph/subsection of the weekly news post. But an entire comm dedicated to that idea, that's been around since before Open Beta launch, that was actively trying to organize fundraising for the one-year anniversary? The site owners have long since disassociated themselves from it. And I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with my controversial stance that racefail fails. Overzealous, counter-productive, short-sighted, somewhat hypocritical. Its members so used to being attacked and beaten down that their defenses... never mind. But I'd still like the comm to do better than it can under my ownership, so if someone's willing to step up, I'd appreciate it.Not LJ. It's where many of my closest friends are, but many of them seem to have moved on to other things. My friends page is even slower than my DW reading page. Oh, and LJ management has become evil.
... And just as I was about to type "Not at home" Mom came in to have a discussion on more or less this very topic. I'm lucky to have such supportive (if not always understanding) parents. Wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this far without them. But it's not enough anymore. I'm going stir crazy around here. When I have the energy to go stir crazy, anyway. Mom's trying to encourage me to find something - which obviously I need - but I don't know where to look and I'm tired and burnt out and each new dead end just smacks me in the face again. She's got ideas, and she believes in them, but from where I stand, every time I've tried one of her ideas, it's done more harm than good.
Not in the outside world. Like I said, I'm burnt out and out of ideas. I just don't see where I can go or what I can do. And I find that I have a lot of trouble dealing with realtime social interaction. Too slow, too awkward, too out of practice, too hurt and bitter, too short on patience, too irritable, too short on anything of interest to talk about.
The last decade has eroded me, bit by bit. I'm a hollowed-out husk of my former self. And my life is just as empty. Any moderate effort - mental or physical - wears me out so quickly that I just can't see how I can be of any use (especially given my constantly-changing sleep/wake schedule - and the total unpredictability of quality of sleep or day-to-day capabilities). How I can accomplish anything of substance. And it's getting worse.
And it doesn't help that I feel lost and hopeless and that I've hurt so much for so long that it's just become a constant ache in my soul.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I need to try something, but I don't know what. I've been told to take small steps, which seems eminently reasonable. And yet even attempts at that have failed. And every new failure just makes it all hurt more, makes it all seem more hopeless, more futile.
And so I while away the time. Playing pointless games, watching TV, reading comics. Distracting myself from a life that's become too empty and painful and pointless to contemplate.
Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? What purpose is left for me? Where can I find friends? Interests? Something to do that has some meaning to it? Anything that's more than what I have but does not require of me more than I'm capable of giving?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
I'm one of those who is rarely on LJ anymore, so I'm not much help in that area. Facebook and Twitter seem to be the next place where people are hanging out, but I know 2 line status updates are different from long blog posts. Beyond that, I think anything I'd suggest would make me no different from your mom -- well-intentioned, but not really informed about what you can handle. I'm sorry.
From:
no subject