Where do I belong?

[hatman]

This should probably be access-locked or cut or something, but right now I just don't seem to care.

I feel like there's nowhere I belong right now.

Not L&C. Great while it lasted, but I lost interest and the fandom changed. We grew in different directions.

Not fandom at large. I don't have it in me to create anymore, I don't seem to have any interest in fanworks, and I'm not equipped to deal with the unchecked wankery that pervades the open waters (as opposed to the magically sheltered harbor of L&C).

Not Dreamwidth. I tried, but I don't fit. I've made few friends, found little to drive me. My reading page, which used to force me to skip 20 or 40 every time I checked in, just to catch up, now flows at a trickle. I've dropped some subscriptions, some people have stopped posting altogether, and there are probably others who are just locking me out. And, of course, there are my views on activism. I'm too tired to fight that one out, and I don't think many of the people I'd be fighting with are interested in listening.

Which reminds me - I'm looking to step down from ownership of dwrocks. The comm just isn't going anywhere. It needs someone to promote it, to drive it. I'm not up to doing that. Too tired and too conflicted. Besides, I have a feeling it would do better if it weren't associated with me. There's a poll out asking people for reasons why Dreamwidth is awesome. That gets an OMG squee and a full paragraph/subsection of the weekly news post. But an entire comm dedicated to that idea, that's been around since before Open Beta launch, that was actively trying to organize fundraising for the one-year anniversary? The site owners have long since disassociated themselves from it. And I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with my controversial stance that racefail fails. Overzealous, counter-productive, short-sighted, somewhat hypocritical. Its members so used to being attacked and beaten down that their defenses... never mind. But I'd still like the comm to do better than it can under my ownership, so if someone's willing to step up, I'd appreciate it.

Not LJ. It's where many of my closest friends are, but many of them seem to have moved on to other things. My friends page is even slower than my DW reading page. Oh, and LJ management has become evil.

... And just as I was about to type "Not at home" Mom came in to have a discussion on more or less this very topic. I'm lucky to have such supportive (if not always understanding) parents. Wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this far without them. But it's not enough anymore. I'm going stir crazy around here. When I have the energy to go stir crazy, anyway. Mom's trying to encourage me to find something - which obviously I need - but I don't know where to look and I'm tired and burnt out and each new dead end just smacks me in the face again. She's got ideas, and she believes in them, but from where I stand, every time I've tried one of her ideas, it's done more harm than good.

Not in the outside world. Like I said, I'm burnt out and out of ideas. I just don't see where I can go or what I can do. And I find that I have a lot of trouble dealing with realtime social interaction. Too slow, too awkward, too out of practice, too hurt and bitter, too short on patience, too irritable, too short on anything of interest to talk about.

The last decade has eroded me, bit by bit. I'm a hollowed-out husk of my former self. And my life is just as empty. Any moderate effort - mental or physical - wears me out so quickly that I just can't see how I can be of any use (especially given my constantly-changing sleep/wake schedule - and the total unpredictability of quality of sleep or day-to-day capabilities). How I can accomplish anything of substance. And it's getting worse.

And it doesn't help that I feel lost and hopeless and that I've hurt so much for so long that it's just become a constant ache in my soul.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I need to try something, but I don't know what. I've been told to take small steps, which seems eminently reasonable. And yet even attempts at that have failed. And every new failure just makes it all hurt more, makes it all seem more hopeless, more futile.

And so I while away the time. Playing pointless games, watching TV, reading comics. Distracting myself from a life that's become too empty and painful and pointless to contemplate.

Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? What purpose is left for me? Where can I find friends? Interests? Something to do that has some meaning to it? Anything that's more than what I have but does not require of me more than I'm capable of giving?

Comments

[rainbow]

When I was at my worst I laernt guided visualisation and free-form visualisation, and they both helped me cope when I was pretty much bedridden/couldn't watch tv/couldn't read. YMMV, but if you're interested I'd be willing to look up resources for you.

*vibes*

Right here, right now

[frith]

A blog is a 'what happened next' narrative. Photo-blogs, geocaching blogs, what-I-ate blogs, 'my daily commute' blogs, all of these are themes with continuity and development. What happened next? Someone wants to know. Take copperbadge. Copperbadge commutes on public transit, watches Wheel of Fortune, is a receptionist, cooks stuff and manages to grab the little details that makes it compelling to read. Perhaps you need something smaller, more concrete to build on and propel. Like, I dunno, a solar powered pop-up toaster, hooked up to a Rube Goldberg device. You chronicle the building of the toaster, of the devices linked to it, how the chain grows longer, how you got the parts, how well the toast toasts... Or you could build a mirror-telescope. Then two mirror telescopes. Then three as an array, combining and boosting the image, correcting for atmospheric disturbance. Then more mirror telescopes, distributed all around town, in sink and hooked up to the array. Then more telescopes in the array, distributed all across your time-zone, and so on.

So, you're the engineer. Tell me, what happened next?

[cesy]

If you really need someone for dwrocks, I could keep an eye on it, though I don't really have time or energy to promote it much.

[synecdochic]

I haven't been commenting on/posting to dwrocks because I think it's tacky for the site owner to be a part of a community designed to celebrate the site like that! If you'd like me to mention it at any point in a news update, though, like if you guys are doing a contest or an activity or what have you, just leave me a comment on my weekly "who's got stuff for the update" post. :)

[disastrously]

Hi...

Just wanted you to know we are here and we care fo r you vey much.

[jjhunter]

Your grief moves me, and finds an echo in my last few years. It can be awfully lonely, out here in the world. If you can find one that fits your needs/spoons, a job really helps--the structure is good. It's taken me most of a year to find one that sticks (longer than temp work anyway--the Census helped me get some momentum back), but I'm in a much better place now.

As for online stuff, I'd start by commenting on other people's posts, and seeing what that brings. (Latest Page? Follow Friday?) I highly, highly recommend the Monday Pride Thread. Anonymous comments are screened, so you don't have to post publicly. But sometimes a one-liner is all it takes to feel like part of a community again.

Be good to yourself. You are wanted, you are valued here. And don't forget that there's been a whole influx of new people lately, so it's an easier time to make a fresh start and new connections.

Best,
J.J.

[hatman]

Job isn't seeming likely, unfortunately. There's a state agency whose sole purpose is to find (or carve out) a path for people with disabilities to gainful employment. I've now had two counselors tell me that unless my medical situation improves there's basically nothing they can do for me. There are people with significantly more severe disabilities that they've helped, but I've got so many limitations that the combination proves impossible.

Glad you've found a way forward, anyway.

I'm aware of the Monday Pride Thread. More often than not, seeing it has saddened me. I'll see it and think I should post... and realize I've got no accomplishments worth talking about. I've been treading water for nigh on a decade now. I'm glad to spend time with family, but I haven't actually done much at all.

In the meantime... I've got problems with things like racefail and privilege - good ideas taken too far, IMO. I've been hurt by trolls pushing those policies/ideas, and it's left a lingering resentment that I'm just not emotionally sound enough to handle properly. Which is why DW just isn't a good environment for me now. I react poorly. Just end up upset, frustrated, and disappointed in myself.

Maybe I should look around for new people. I don't know. But, as I've said... it's hard to ask people to like you when you're not so sure you like yourself anymore.

[jjhunter]

Did you get out of bed in the morning? That's an accomplishment. Did you just post a wonderful piece on visiting the so-called 'Ground Zero Mosque'? That's definitely an accomplishment. Did you wrack up the courage to say aloud, 'This is hard. I don't know what to do. I'm struggling here'? That's an accomplishment too.

I should sit on my hands here; I have the tendency to want to fix things for people, and I know that's not always welcome or helpful. But I do want to encourage you to start opening up again in a way that feels good and healthy for you. Maybe gradients of access filters to deter trolls? And letting your actions show your value to other people, not feeling like you have to make a case for yourself that you don't feel confident in. I treasure every comment I receive on Dreamwidth, because they mean someone cared enough to reach across. That's a gift you can offer, commenting and responding. It really is a gift.

Best,
J.J.

[hatman]

Not unwelcome, no. But I'm not sure how much we're on the same page, either. You make some good points, but others just don't work for me.

Not sure what else to say right now, but... the thought's appreciated.

[jjhunter]

That's fine. Thanks for writing back. As mentioned above, I value that very much.

[hatman]

Same here, actually. :)

BTW, meant to ask before - How'd you come across my mosque post? Just curious.

[jjhunter]

I came looking for you, actually. The Community Promo advice in the latest dw_news post reminded me that I'd never gotten around to properly thanking you for your encouragement. Your mosque post caught my eye, so I went with a comment instead of a pm.

I'm glad I got in touch.

[hatman]

Ah, cool. Makes sense. And... me too. :)

[brianamj.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It may sound trite, but life is like a horse. You have to keep trying at it. It becomes so easy to put yourself into a rut and routine, especially with very little interaction. Don't look at each failed effort as a failure, but rather as a learning experience. See what works, what doesn't, try something else. Pick something that interests you, and try 5 different ways of enjoying it.

I hope that you find what you're looking for and what you need.

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say... I can only agree with Karen.

*****hugs*****

[kb91.livejournal.com]

I wish I had a magic wand because I'd gladly give it to you. *hugs*

I'm one of those who is rarely on LJ anymore, so I'm not much help in that area. Facebook and Twitter seem to be the next place where people are hanging out, but I know 2 line status updates are different from long blog posts. Beyond that, I think anything I'd suggest would make me no different from your mom -- well-intentioned, but not really informed about what you can handle. I'm sorry.

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

Sorry I never got around to replying. It's been ages. But I just wanted to say it meant a lot to me to see you back here. I'm sorry I didn't follow up. But... thank you.

[ksarasara.livejournal.com]

Ditto to everyone above me.

I think we're all stuck in our own limbos. At least I feel that way a lot. Here I've got just about every darn thing that I've ever dreamed of wanting... and I'm still not happy inside my head. I'll get there -- I have to believe that I'll get there. And I'm not always unhappy (thankfully, my actual depressive episodes are fewer and far between lately), but I always have that tiny, nagging feeling in the back of my head that I'm missing something.

I wish I could offer more. What I can offer is reassurance that you're not alone in how you feel. Yes, your situation is very different from mine, but I can still relate to the base emotions. *HUGS*

(Guess I had something other than "ditto" to say after all.)