Post mortem

As you may have noticed, my race-related entries are now private-locked. I may change that later, but probably not.

I didn't come to Dreamwidth to fight. I'm at a place in my life where I very much need a positive social influence - both source and outlet. Dreamwidth was serving that purpose, and I regret having broken that momentum. So... much as I hate to close the door on a discussion, to limit access to information, to cut off the flow - such things are practically against my religion - it has to be done this time. And I'll be keeping myself out of similar discussions.

Looking back... I've learned some things. More yet to learn, I'm sure, once I have it in me to take another look. But before I could start learning, before I could look at it with at least some clarity, I had to find it myself to forgive others. Of course, once I set myself to doing so, the first (and, quite possibly, most important) thing I learned was, "Oh, so that's how it looks from the other side." One more irony to add to the pile this whole thing has collected.

One thing I noticed that I can share without reopening the doors I'm trying to shut is trouble with communication. The concepts in my head have to get translated into words, and then those words have to be translated into concepts in your head. Clearly, there were breakdowns in that process, because I saw comments responding to points that had almost nothing to do with what I was trying to say. (My whole points having to do with "PC" and "credentials," for example.)

It's not the first time I've had trouble with that. It's an inherently flawed process. Something always gets lost in translation, and here's one with two translations. More, we've all got our own unique outlooks and thought processes. Our own ways of viewing and interpreting the same things.

But I know that I've always had trouble with that translation. My brain is good at some things, but translation to and from concept has always been a clumsy process in my head. So I had my share in that, no doubt. But I suspect that, at least in some degree, the readers had their share, too. Responding to the argument they expected me to be making (for whatever reason), rather than what I was actually saying.

To those of you who suggested that I refrain from posting (especially about serious issues) when I'm tired... It's a fair point. And something I was partially aware of even at the time. There's a problem with that approach, however. I've got a pile of sleeping disorders. And "fibro fog" on top of that. I've lost a huge chunk of high-level processing power. More than half my conscious mind. It's the single primary reason I am where I am now. In short... if I only spoke when I wasn't tired and when I was in full possession of my faculties, I wouldn't have said anything since 1999.

But some subjects are clearly dicier than others, and there are times when I'm more impaired than others. I'll try to do better in the future. But I'll need your help, I'm sure. And your understanding.

While I'm writing, something only very tangentially related to any of this... I find the current common internet usage of the word "fail" to be, at best, obnoxious. More commonly, I believe it to be subtly, insidiously destructive.

In any case... I fly out first thing tomorrow. Like I said, I'm not sure how much time I'll be spending online while I'm away from home. Given the speed at which my Dreamwidth Reading Page moves, I think I'll have to pick up when I come back rather than trying to catch up on everything I missed. If there's anything you think it's important that I see, please let me know.

Thanks for listening. I hope this hasn't been too damaging, and that we can move on in a positive direction.

Not sure what to do about comments this time. I guess, for now, I'll compromise by screening them.