hatman | (no subject)

Here's a random thing that sometimes mulls around in the back of my head...

Every now and again, when I'm out and about, I'll encounter a young woman who is beautiful in her own particular way. A quiet, somewhat subtle beauty. The kind that I think often goes unnoticed, or at least underappreciated. (It's a description which fits no few of my friends, as it happens.)

"You don't know you're beautiful," I find myself thinking, "or at least you don't carry yourself as if you do. Which is a little sad. But I look at you, and part of me can't help but smile. You've brightened my day, if only for a moment. That's a gift which perhaps deserves thanks. I wish I knew how to convey that."

Which is the problem. How do you say "Has anyone told you lately that you're beautiful?" without coming off as if you're hitting on her, or as a creep, or as if you're objectifying her? (The last of which is an issue, when you look at all this in a certain way. I'd like to think there's more to it than that, though, but it's hard to properly explain. It's about more than the shape of her face. It's about the sum total of the impression she gives, including the conscious and subconscious choices she's made in clothing, posture, expression, etc. A snapshot, but at least some quick sense of the person behind the facade.)

There's this niggling idea in the back of my head. I could make up a little card that says something like:

I'm not looking to get anything out of this.
I'll probably never see you again.
I just wanted to say
Thank you for making my world
a little more
BEAUTIFUL.

Just hand it over when I pay the girl at the counter, or leave it with the tip, or just quietly say "Here." And then walk away.

And then the voices in my head start arguing about whether that's romantic or stupid or nice or chauvinistic or sweet or creepy or whatever else.

Meantime, another voice pipes up that maybe, in smaller print, perhaps on the back of the card, there should be something else that says something like:

If you want to say something back, even if it's "Please don't do that again," you can contact me at [spare email address].

Which sets of an argument of "No, that ruins it. It should be anonymous. Otherwise you belie the part about not trying to get anything out of it" vs "You should give her a chance to respond, if she does have something to say. And hey, you might make a new friend."

Generally, I shut them all up, do nothing, and move on.

But I thought I'd float the idea, just to see what you make of it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As a woman, I'd find that creepy -- I know what you mean by it as you describe it here, but in person, I'd find something like the way you describe/phrase it to be unwanted and intrusive, and to remind me that I am always being judged by the male gaze and against male standards of attractiveness and expected action. Being handed something like the way you phrased it would (no matter what the card said) imply to me that the person giving me the card did expect me to go running after him and be so overjoyed by one simple compliment I'd fall at his feet, etc.

If you wanted to do something like this, and I do see what you're trying to get at, I would go for something more like just looking at her, smiling, and saying, "Thanks for making the world a little brighter" as you go, without mentioning her specific beauty or physical attributes.

Handing over a card feels vaguely stalkerish to me -- most romantic comedy staples are more stalker than romantic, IMO -- but if you're too shy to do it in person, I'd print them as more or less the same thing I suggested, but depersonalize it a bit more: "The person who handed you this card wanted to thank you for making the world a little brighter. (Please keep it or pass it on to someone else who makes you want to smile.)" That way, it becomes less "this feels creepily like someone's trying to hit on me but is too shy to do it openly" and more "oh, someone wanted to make me smile, that's totally sweet".

Yeah, I was afraid of that. Just needed some female perspective. Thanks.

And thanks for understanding. That's a tricky thing here.

Will have to give it some more thought. But yes, I tend to be pretty shy in person. (Partly a consequence of having spent most of my high school years home sick. Never really got the hang of things...)

Anyway, thanks again. :)

No problem. :) I think a generalized, nongendered, non-appearance-related "thank you for brightening my day" type card could be pretty nifty, as long as it is nongendered and non-appearance-related. We used to call them "happygrams" at a former job -- you could send them to people in the company who'd done something awesome for you -- and they were a big hit.

Huh. That does sound cool. And more widely applicable, too.

I've had men come up to me at random in public situation to tell me I look nice, and here's three things I'd suggest to make sure you come off like one of the non-creepy ones:

1. Say: "Hey, I'm not trying to hit on you or anything, but I just had to tell you --" or the equivalent.

2. Compliment something specific about her outfit or hairstyle instead of just saying you think she's pretty or you like her smile. This a) tells her you're complimenting something she *chose*, and not just staring at her female body, and b) complimenting her specifically & not just random women. But keep it short & sweet; more than a sentence is too much.

3. Don't hang around once you've said it. If it's in a situation where you'll have to interact for awhile, say it as you or she leaves; if it's in passing in the street or a shop, move away afterward; if it's in a bus or waiting room or something, have a book or ipod to turn your attention to instead. If she wants to continue the conversation she will, but don't give the impression you expect her to or will react badly if she doesn't. (And just standing or sitting there next to her can give that impression. Even if you think you're a completely nonthreatening person.)

The card thing would come off as creepy to me no matter what it said, tbh, because it implies that you came prepared, which screws with the power balance even more than gender already does. Unless it's like

synecdochic suggested and is utterly nonspecific, in which case it would just come off (to me) as trite, but would be okay. (But then, I'm one of those people who got sick & tired very quickly of being told to 'buck up and smile!' No, it ain't my responsibility to look cheerful for you, sir.)

Thanks. I appreciate the perspective. :)

Trite is a problem. It's something I worry about enough as it is.

I just... believe in trying to increase the happiness in the world, trite as that may sound. And in giving thanks when others do that for me. But of course life and social interaction are more complicated than that.

But yeah, being told to look cheerful is a whole other matter. Not only is it not your responsibility, but faking a good mood isn't going to help. (And dishonesty in general isn't going to get us anywhere good.)

In any case... your icon looks pretty. ;)

I personally like the idea! Maybe perhaps (and I could be interpreting this wrong just to make my suggestion work ;)), you're trying to say that she is a beautiful person inside and out? If so, you could say/write: You strike me as a beautiful person - inside and out. Just thought you should know. Pass the kindness on to someone who strikes you as beautiful.

I dunno. A thought, anyway.

Personally, I'd leave it anonymous. I'd be SOOOOO tempted to put something on there for contact, but I really do think it should be anonymous. If you're meant to cross paths again, you will. :)

I know you well enough to be able to appreciate this idea for how cute it is :) And I do tend to believe that if you see someone that makes you think that about her looks, she's probably someone who would to appreciate this idea too. :)

I also like Sara's thought. Imagine an anonymous card that would pass around from person to person. I don't know if it would catch on, but it sounds lovely.
Anonymous does sound better, too, although it can't be easy to do.

Ooh, that's lovely! Go for anonymous, totally. I agree with Sara--I'd be so tempted to have some contact info, but it's definitely better anonymous. (It won't feel freaky in the "who is this guy" sort of way if there's no contact info, something there would be danger of if you had an e-mail addy or something included.)

If you do end up doing this, I'd love to hear how it went. If some random stranger did that to me, it would *totally* make my day, and I can't imagine too many girls who *wouldn't* find that uplifting, especially if, as Anna says, they're the sort who would make you think that about them.